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As a woman, my heart is broken, sad and confused.  As a Christian, I can’t look at myself.  I have to work to understand the other side and to remember that there are greater things at work seeking to steal, kill and destroy all that is good and could be used to make a difference in the world.

The easy thing for me to do in this situation would be to withdraw, or to try to prove my case about how I’ve been wronged and how right I am.  The truth is, I had a hand in what’s taking place, and I choose love.  What is love?  No, it’s not the “I like the way you make me feel therefore I love you, and when you don’t give me what I want or keep me happy I’m going to throw a tantrum and run, or punish you by withholding things from you” definition you typically see in people, Christian or not.  We’re all human, we all behave this way. This is what the Bible has to say about what love is:

“4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8Love never fails….” 1 Cor 13:4-8

I fail at all of these characteristics of love.  Daily.  They don’t come naturally, ESPECIALLY in the face of heartbreak and confusion, which is when I need to be reminded of them the most and require God’s help to not do the wrong things. Specifically the self-seeking and being proud parts. Oh, and the keeping records of wrongs….and being easily angered….OK,fine, all of them.  But I CHOOSE the characteristics that are listed here.  They aren’t a feeling.  If you notice, they are actions.  I choose to wait, to act with kindness, to put myself last, to hear the whole story, not make assumptions or jump to conclusions, be slow to anger, to forgive, to protect the hearts of those I have relationship with or those around me that have no voice, to hope in the Lord, and to never, ever give up.  I know that Jesus did this for me on the cross, bloodied, bruised, almost unrecognizable as human, and still loves me in this way every day even when I hurt Him with my sin- my bitterness, my unforgiveness, my pride.  If Jesus does it for me, who am I to not follow His example?

That said, I’m beat up. I’ve been in this ring for a long time now and I’m seeing stars but I am NOT going down. Gotta keep fighting the fight, even though I feel like I’m losing, the enemy is winning and all that’s worth fighting for is slipping away….

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Eph 6:12

I feel like I fight the spiritual battle alone most of the time, and if that is the way it will always be, then so be it.  I will stay on my knees till they bleed.  I will cry till there is no water left in my body.  I will lift my voice to my Deliverer who gives me the peace that passes understanding in the middle of this storm. I will not give up, even if the fight kills me.  Bring it, enemy, let’s go one more round…..